Tips and Advice

You’re ready to date again and looking forward to bringing romance and fun with another adult back into your life. What are the issues you might like to remember to continue in a positive and upbeat frame of mind? You’re probably feeling excited and optimistic - you could also be feeling nervous. It can be hard to step back into the dating scene when you have children. Before you became a parent the only person you had to worry about was yourself. Now, you have to balance your needs with what’s best for your kids. And if you’ve gone through a relationship break down, this may have left you feeling low in self esteem and confidence. You may have forgotten how to flirt, how to get to know someone, how to ask them out or make it clear you’d like to be asked. But even if you can’t approach dating as if you were a single, that needn’t stop you. Dating again is for you, and these are the tips to make it easy.

Look back before you go forward

You may have chosen to leave the other parent or your last partner and feel fine about it, the break up could have been ten weeks or ten years ago – whatever your circumstances it’s better to address any unfinished feelings before moving on to a new relationship. You want to start your new relationship feeling happy and positive about the future and in order to do that you may have to let go of some of the old feelings you may have for a past relationship. A good way to do this is to talk it over with a friend or a counsellor – it helps to say, "It was good and I miss the good bits. But it wasn’t right in the end and we’re going to leave it behind and move on”.

That way you can start a new relationship without the emotional baggage from the past and truly look forward to the new experiences and exciting people that will come into your life.

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Talk it over with your kids

If you aren’t already talking with your children about why their parents don’t live together, start now. It’s never too early, nor too late, to have honest yet reassuring talks with even the youngest child. If you don’t talk about it someone else will, and then what your children hear may be upsetting or confusing. Or, your children will try to make their own sense of their family, and that often results in kids blaming themselves for a parent leaving. Children need to hear

• Mum and Dad don’t live together anymore
• It’s not their fault
• You love them and are there for them just as much as ever
• (and if this is appropriate)Their other parent still loves them, will go on seeing them and is still there for them

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Help kids keep in touch

If possible, it’s really important for your children to be in touch with the other parent. You may have finished being a partner with the other adult and want to end it there. You and your children have a different perspective - the other adult is still your child’s parent and they want and need continuing access. Letting your children go to visit and spend time with all their grandparents and other relatives may be difficult for you but could be a real benefit to them. It doesn't have to be face to face - phone calls, texts, emails, webchats - can all allow them keep in contact. Children thrive when both their parents share care. The advantage for you is that you have support in bringing up your child and when your child is on a visit, you have time to recharge, and make new relationships.

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Take Your Time

Making friends and looking for partners on the internet can be an excellent first step to finding new love. To meet new people you have to make that effort to find them and as a single parent going out isn’t always simple. Meeting people online can be fitted in - half an hour here and there - around a busy life. It’s also one step removed which gives you time to feel your way into chatting and getting to know people. This is vital if you feel you’ve lost that knack, and comfortable if you want to feel you know something about people before meeting them face-to-face.

Look for friends as well as romantic partners. One reason for this is that if you’re looking for partners not friends you may turn your back on anyone who doesn’t seem to fit your conditions and sometimes the best relationships start with being friends first.

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Accept it isn’t easy

The reality is that it’s never easy to find a new partner, whether at 16 or 60. One reason is that the ability to attract other people to you and to get on with them is a skill. The ability to feel secure in asking someone out, getting to know them, negotiating what sort of relationship you’re going to have and how much, how soon; you gain these through experience, and use them or lose them. Second-timers are often appalled and frightened to discover how much they’ve forgotten, and how false it all feels when they try to date again. Which is a very good reason to ease yourself in, online; you can chat, gradually open up about yourself and learn about others without a stammering tongue or red cheeks getting in the way.

You do need to recognise that going out and opening yourself to the possibility of a new relationship is the best thing you can do even if it is scary. You should;

• Forgive yourself for feeling apprehensive – it’s not you, it is hard to begin again
• Take it one step at a time – you won’t become the life and soul of the party at a stroke.
• Become self sufficient – when a new person comes along you want to be with them because they matter, not because they’re the next best thing to being alone
• Recognise you sometimes have to risk rejection by making an approach, but the results are worth it.
• Be positive – look at yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself you’re wonderful. You believe it and so will everyone else!

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Recognise how your kids may feel

You, and a potential partner, need to recognise that your kids may have a different perspective to you on your having a new partner. They may look forward to having a new adult in their lives - someone to play with them or talk with them. Or they may be delighted at the thought of you having someone to make you happy. You’re far more likely to harness these positive reactions if you recognise they could feel less joyful. Your children have either had to go through a family break up, or grown up with their patens living apart. They may have developed a close relationship with the parent they live with most of the time in which they take some responsibility and rely on each other. They may have had to adjust to part-time contact with their other parent. Children in separated families may have to manage feelings of anger and loss and pain, and fears of abandonment and rejection. When a new person comes along, however well they may be managing these feelings, it can make for tense moments. Having a new partner should be a plus for them too, which is why you will need to listen to them and talk with them to manage the change.

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Recognise how your kids may act

Most people and virtually all kids find it hard to say when they’re sad, angry, scared or confused. What they are likely to do is to act out their emotions. Children may react by

• acting younger than their age
• throwing tantrums
• becoming clingy and fretful
• refusing food, being picky or eating too much
• having difficulty sleeping or in waking up

Teenagers may

• sulk and shout
• experiment with drugs, drink, early sex

If children start acting badly, what is underneath their behaviour is often a need for attention, acceptance, and appreciation. You can help them by;

• talking openly about the change or loss that meant you’re a single parent family
• talking about your decision to find new friends
• asking for any questions they may have about this and answering them
• reassuring them it will not change your feelings for them or your relationship with them
• helping them show their feelings
• sharing your own feelings with them
• telling them it’s OK to feel angry or confused
• giving them plenty of time and attention
• helping them keep in touch with people, places, things that matter to them
• giving them love, reassurance, support

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Introduce new people slowly

When you are ready to date again, you do need to keep your children briefed and well informed. Tell them;
"It’s time I went out and met new people. I’ll pay as much attention and be here for you as much as ever.”
When someone does come along, say;
"I’ve met someone I like. We’re just friends”.
If the date works out, say;
"I had a really nice time. We’re seeing each other again”
If this seems the start of something, explain;
"I’m really enjoying so-and-so’s company” and eventually "I think this is becoming special”
If romance is blooming, tell them;
"Yes, this is definitely becoming special”
When the time comes tell them "So-and-so will be staying over tonight” so nobody gets a surprise in the morning.
And if you do begin to make plan to be together, tell your children as soon as you do that "We’re talking about moving in with each other” and then "We’re moving in with each other.” You will need to reassure them that a new partner for you doesn’t mean your relationship to them changes at all, nor does it change their relationship to their other parent.

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Take it step by step

It’s easy to be relieved and pleased when a new date seems not only tolerant but keen to be involved with your children from an early stage. Just as it helps to give your children a little-by-little update on how the relationship is developing, it helps to ease them in to your family gradually. There is because if someone throws themselves into being a co-parent and then has second thoughts or your relationship simply doesn’t develop, you won’t be the only one disappointed. Adults may be able to deal with the sadness of starting and then having to finish a relationship that promised much but did not live up to hopes. Young people who might have already gone through a family break up, or thought that finally they’d have two parents at home, might find such disappointment much harder to deal with. Until you are certain this relationship is serious, the new person in your life is a date – someone to have fun with, to go out with, visit and stay over with and to introduce as a friend but no more. It may be important to hold the boundaries for your children and protect them from feeling this relationship could be more than it actually is.

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Look after yourself

Single parents need to look after themselves, if for no other reason than to make sure they are able to care for their family. If the children are away with other family, indulge yourself.

• take a walk
• go to the gym or for a run
• meet a friend for coffee or a drink

If they’re around, set them up with some activities, tell them you need half an hour uninterrupted and then;

• listen to music
• have a bath, with candles and a glass of something nice
• read a newspaper, magazine or book
• go on your computer
• chat with an internet buddy
• call a friend
• plan a holiday
• watch a favourite TV programme

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Arrange with friends and family to let you have time off some evenings and weekends for your kids to have the fun and experience of being with other people, and you the time to recharge your batteries. You don’t do your children any good by denying yourself a life or pleasure.

Take your time, think it through and all of you will benefit when you begin dating again!

For further information please contact press-enquiries@easydate.biz